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Oct. 13th, 2012

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Longest month of the year.

Before I start, I need to warn anybody reading that this is going to be an entry full of venting. I've got a lot inside right now and I need to put it somewhere. I'll probably write more than what's here, once I find my paper journal.

I can't think of a single day this month that I haven't ended up in tears over something. Life has been good to us in that we moved to a great place, but everything else has been rough.
We've both had health problems. Mine, thank God, somehow solved themselves at their very worst moment.. his are still causing him a lot of pain and I wish I could do ANYTHING to make them better. I can't. We haven't had insurance.
I lost a crappy job where I was physically and verbally harassed in the worst ways, on a daily basis. I didn't want the job, but we needed the paycheck, and I got scapegoated in the end for something I didn't do.

2 weeks ago, my grandmother's second husband (Jerry- who I spent most of my time with growing up) had an aneurysm in his brain that caused him to wreck his motorcycle (when he blacked out). He fractured his neck and cracked three ribs, but there was no head trauma. A week later, still in the Trauma and Burn ICU, he had been recovering very fast. He tried to walk himself to the bathroom when the nurses were away, and he fell. The fracture in his neck was worsened critically, and the doctor said that he may have suffered some head trauma because his head hit the floor really hard. They did emergency surgery to put screws in his neck, reinstall feeding tubes, and install a trachiotomy tube (which means he cannot actually talk until it comes out).

That was Friday. Monday morning, I check Facebook, and my cousin has posted that my blood-related grandfather (Willie- who is still close to me, but I haven't seen much of him through the years) is in the ICU. He lives with Ashley, she takes care of him, and she awoke to find him turning blue. His oxygen level had dropped to 61. This is the fourth time it's happened in about 2 years, and this is the worst  MY MOTHER did not even know he was in the hospital, so of course I called and told her. Doug (her ex husband) was out of town most of this week, so she had NO help with the kids (Thomas is 4 and Joseph is 2), and now her stepdad and her father were in the ICU. Then she said Nana was talking about attorneys and Jerry's will and all this other craziness and I just lost it. I threw some clothes in a bag, called Mike to make sure it was okay, and hit the road.

I've never seen Jerry look that way. Twice, I saw the nurse dump half a gallon of black-ish fluid that came out of his lungs. I held his hand for as long as I could before Mom needed me to come take the kids, while Nana held the other one. I was alone with him when he briefly stopped breathing altogether. Thank you Lord for putting the air back in his lungs. By the second day, he was able to sleepily open his eyes and squeeze my hand... so I know he knew I was there. We went to see Willy later that night, and for one positive note, he looked better than I've seen him look in years. His oxygen levels were great, he was laughing, and I just listened to him tell stories about his past for an hour or so.

Yesterday, I left. But before then, I was able to stop back by and visit Jerry one more time. He was definitely on the mend, and while he couldn't talk, he did mouth "I love you" when he woke up and saw me. I stayed and talked to him about whatever me and Nana could think of, before the nurse finally kicked us out so that she could get him through some physical therapy. Every single time I had to leave, he held onto my hand. That was definitely the hardest part. I wish I could have given him more time.

Thank you Kate for bringing lunch up to his room so that I wouldn't forget to eat something. Thank you Mike Hall for listening to me vent for hours the first night. Thank you Rachel, Chad, and Jason for giving me a lot to laugh and smile about. Thank you Glas for meeting me a block from the ICU, giving me a much-needed hug, and understanding my whiny bullshit. Thank you Mom for the most peaceful visit you and I have shared to date, and for time spent with my little brothers. Thank you Nana for the cash when you've already done more than you needed to. Thank you Shawn for checking on me numerous times. Thank you Amy for going out of your way to meet me, yet again. Thank you Beta, for being here with open arms when I walked in the door looking like and feeling worse than roadkill.

My dad has always been my best friend. Right now, we're at worse odds than we've been at since 2002, and again I feel helpless to change that. I feel like, because of the situation he and I are fighting about, I've let down the rest of my family and all of Mike's with this whole wedding plan that's now being put off til 2014. I got my own hopes up, and those being let down I can handle. I hate feeling like I made a promise to the people I love, and now I can't keep it because of some things which are beyond my control. I wish I hadn't lost my job. I wish my Dad was a little better at keeping a timeline and a little easier to put himself in my place. I wish there was just more of me to go around so I could take care of the people who took care of me growing up. I wish my other grandmother would stop talking about "when I go" and just take a minute to see how much I love her.

I feel very torn right now. After a great day together, Mike and I had some odd misunderstanding and now we're tense. At least he's asleep. As if he didn't have enough to worry about already. I wish I could just fix SOMETHING. Or everything, if we're being picky. I gotta get a job that doesn't include nasty dishonest bosses from the bottom to the top. I wish I could figure out some way to work for myself. I miss Reid.

I just wish things would come together, instead of falling apart.

Thank you God, for the things that have gone right in spite of all this. Please give me some rest. I haven't slept in a while.

Feb. 18th, 2010


harrass away..

So, now I really have no excuse for not posting. I'm writing this from an LJ client on my phone. Guess I oughtta use this thing if I'm still paying for it, right? :)

Jun. 16th, 2009


Because it bears exclaiming..

Sometimes, you just have to eat peanut butter straight from the jar.
No fork required.

And I don't want to hear it from you PB haters :) there's always Nutella, right?

Apr. 13th, 2009


Writer's Block: Gamer's Choice

What is your favorite old-school video game?
Everyone knows I'm a Nintendo junkie.. and my fave old school?
Well, that'd have to be the original Nintendo DUCK HUNT!

Apr. 7th, 2009


Epicurious provides me with wonderful ideas


Farfalle with chicken, roma tomatoes, baby spinach, caramelized onions.. in a merlot reduction, topped with goat cheese! 

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Apr. 4th, 2009


Ridgeville Cemetary on a windy day

So, deramani and I went to Ridgeville Cemetary over on Cleveland Street last weekend.. it had been so long since I got some neat headstone shots, I had to have my goth fix ^_^ if you're interested, here's a preview, and a link to my flickr.

There are 23 photos total. The overcast weather, while somewhat advantageous, did wash out the color. I guess that's a good thing for a graveyard shoot.. oh well. You can be the judge!

Upon traveling the River Styx..Collapse )

Mar. 4th, 2009


just because...

It's been a dramatic few weeks. My deramani  has, thus, been exhausted and in need of reprieve. Hopefully, that'll come tonight, when we do our weekly dinner and a movie (or two) group..

But in the meantime, I just want to say this:

I love you, Jericho. When you're happy, when you're not (as much as I try to fix it), when you're snoring like a puppy beside me (or with your head in my lap). The storms may calm; they may roar on.. regardless, I am here. I am a fairly simple creature.. I have basic necessities that, once met, provide ground for my optimism to overwhelm any problem. Those things are sunlight, music, fresh fruit, and you :) as silly as it sounds, it's true. Take the last one away, and the others mean nothing to me.

Thank you for being the sunlight on my face, even in the winter.


Writer's Block: Chatty

Do you prefer texting or talking on the phone?
I know my reasons are antisocial to the point that Gregory House would agree with me, but talking on the phone just interferes with the billion other things I could be getting done. Holding a cell phone in between your ear and shoulder for 25 minutes causes cramps; whereas, I can text about 8,000 words per minute, taking breaks to pee or wash my hair or whatever else. *grins*

Mar. 2nd, 2009


The best damn muffins I've ever made

Seriously. I have made a breakthrough, and it is tasty. You need to go home right now and try these babies out. I almost feel bad for sharing the recipe in case I ever tried to sell these, but I would feel worse for not sharing it, they're that good.

They don't look extra-super special compared to some of those I've made in the past, but they sure do taste it.

PB&C muffins 1

PB&C muffins, and a recipeCollapse )

Feb. 23rd, 2009


a MAN-sized dinner! and some extra things :)

man-sized dinner!

Bison. Need I say more? (If so, just click the damn thing, my flickr page has the details lol)

The man and I went to West Side Market on Saturday.. got blood oranges, honeybells, bison, a whole red snapper, fresh herbs by the bunch, and alot more goodness. TOTALLY worth going out in the cold.

Speaking of red snapper, anyone got suggestions for what to do with a fish head and bones? Jer keeps peering into the freezer and looking at me like I'm keeping it prisoner.

ALSO-- to all of you who gave us compliments on the Valentine's Date pictures and on my cooking, thank you very much :) I have wonderful friends and I know it's not all flattery. And let me tell ya, my ego is LOVIN' it! *smirks*

Follow-up scheduled tomorrow at Aveda. I'm officially enrolling. Wow.

One more thing-- Hard Candy is a VERY fucked up movie. And it's 45 minutes too long. OVERKILL, anyone? *eyeroll* lol..

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